The Perfect Banana…

Read this online today…reminds me of some little boy I know!

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How to Choose the Perfect Banana:
A Practical Guide for Kids

First, it’s important to be totally ageist when it comes to bananas. Are there age spots?

Yes? Sick. REJECT IT.

Next, bananas must have a completely uniform yellow. This banana?

Too green AND there’s a spot. REJECT IT. Also, start crying.

Finally, when you find the perfect specimen,

peel it.

Now it’s open and you can see the stringy bits. In other words, it’s RUINED. REJECT IT. Your parents will try to convince you it’s fine. They’re wrong; it’s not. It’s up to you to prove it; tear it, bite it, lick it, suck on it, squish it, step on it, shove it under the couch. No matter what, do NOT actually eat it.

So. How to Choose a Perfect Banana?

THIS IS A TRICK. There is no perfect banana.

Your parents just want to ruin your life.

The End

……….

Source: http://putdowntheurinalcake.com/

 

Mom! Mom! Mom!

So although I know that every single word out of my child’s mouth is a precious jewel to be treasured, sometimes I admit I don’t always listen. Honestly, it’s very hard to do, when he talks nonstop. Comments, questions, jokes, noises, etc are almost always flowing from his cute lil’ face. I’m sure there’s some lesson I should be teaching him on restraint…not saying absolutely everything that he thinks of…but a lot of it is pretty damn funny.

He is slowly learning not to comment or question peoples’ appearance, especially if it might hurt their feelings. He will remember his thoughts about it later, and then tell me at a strange time, like walking out to check the mail, or getting ready for bed. Often he saves his most random questions for bedtime. He’s always hated having to go to bed, and will do anything to prolong or avoid it.

He’ll come slinking to the door of his room, looking all troubled.

“Mom?”

“Since you’re out of bed, this MUST be important.”

“It IS, I promise!”

“Okay, what is it?”

“Umm…umm..remember that one time we went to the park and I saw that weird bug? I wonder what it was. We should look it up tomorrow.”

Are you kidding me?!

“GO TO BED!”

Seriously, the whole park/ bug thing was months ago…He just does not want to go to sleep.  The other night he came out to tell me that he had tripped on a log in the woods a few days earlier, and almost fell, but didn’t.

Sigh.

Yeah!

It’s just not the same.

He’s lately begun to be scared of the dark…I know it’s a valid fear, and I remember it myself. But it’s hard for me to remember that, when it didn’t used to bother him. I get frustrated if he won’t go get his lunchbox out of the car at night (seriously 1.5 feet from the side door) or stand on the front porch to let the puppy out.

These are times I truly wish I wasn’t doing the single mom thing, so he could “man up” and learn to deal with his fears better than I can teach him to. When he’s around my guy friends I can literally see him do this…lowering his voice, acting tougher, and telling all his best stories of the moment. Unfortunately his dad is not visiting as much as we all know he should, and so he enjoys all the male attention he can get.

I try to teach him about life, machines, science…go camping…build things…but I know it’s not the same for him. And this is the BEST time for his dad to be teaching his this kind of thing. Instead he doesn’t call, doesn’t visit, and my little boy is hurt and sad. When he was a baby I vowed to never speak ill of his dad in front of him. I’d seen so many ugly divorces and breakups, and knew it would be wrong to air all that to a child. Honestly, I don’t hate the guy…I’ve accepted that he’s selfish, immature, and whiny, and that he’ll never pay me support, or bother to call his son on a holiday, or even ask how he’s doing when we’re on the phone. I know that he does love him, but needs to grow up and get it together before this little boy is a teenager and has totally given up on him.

Until then, we’re gonna go climb trees and make forts. So there.

Sensitivity Traininng Not Required.

He used to be so tough! He would fall flat on his face, get up, and keep running. Some punk toddler would shove him and he’d frown then walk away.

Now…he cries.

A lot.

He’s 6 and SOO sensitive I don’t know what to do.  Somebody looks at him funny and he gets his feelings hurt. I get upset when he asks for the 45th time if he can ride his bike…and he cries because I’m upset. He gets a paper cut and doesn’t cry about until I don’t notice that he has an infinitesimally tiny cut on his finger. He and his best friend become sworn enemies every other day, for about 3 hours. I swear they act like teenage girls!

At a loss on this  one…

When I was little I was not a crier – I was a screamer. Oh, I was SUCH a brat, lol…I harassed the shit out of my older brothers. But to be honest they were pretty mean in return.

I remember the biggest trouble I got in  at 6 years old: my brothers bikes had been stolen, so one day my brother Ryan took off on my bike, pink streamers flying from the handlebars. I was so upset I stood in the middle of the street and screamed after him the worst thing I could think of. “YOU…..ASSHOLE!” and then I ran into the woods and hid because I thought the neighbors might tell on me saying bad words.

Turns out, I screamed so loud that my dad heard me from inside the house. Oops!

I Need a Pic-a-nic Basket…

Alternative Activities

Number one sign your child is playing too many online games at Mickey Mouse Clubhouse:

While fighting outside with his invisible pirate friends, he yells out to them:

“C’mon guys!  Use your mouse and arrow keys to help out!”

 

 

The poet speaks…

Nicholas just informed me he wants to “go outside to feel the wind blowing in my soul.”

What he really means is that he wants to go play swords, tear his pants, roll in the mud, dig a tunnel to the middle of the earth, and ride his bike until his legs fall off. Whichever happens first.

“Don’t be so open-minded. Your brains may fall out, and the hamster will escape!”

I love when people tell me they’re open-minded, and prove themselves wrong without realizing it. Maybe they want to debate politics or religion, but as soon as I present another opinion than their own (which I love to do), they take the defensive and it can get ugly. 

Why do this? 

You just can’t expect to enlighten me by ramming your philosophy down my throat with a sharp stick!

…I prefer to be enlightened with silly pictures and snarky platitudes, anyway.

Ambitions.

6:30 AM, Saturday morning.

“Mom, we need to learn how to be a star!”

“Why? Do you want to be a star?”

“I AM a star, I’m fabulous! I mean famous. Or both…What happens when you’re both?”

“You get your own TV show.”

“Okay then, I wanna be Johnny Quest! His turn is over.”