Posts Tagged ‘pain in my arse’

The Perfect Banana…

June 13, 2013

Read this online today…reminds me of some little boy I know!


How to Choose the Perfect Banana:
A Practical Guide for Kids

First, it’s important to be totally ageist when it comes to bananas. Are there age spots?


Yes? Sick. REJECT IT.

Next, bananas must have a completely uniform yellow. This banana?


Too green AND there’s a spot. REJECT IT. Also, start crying.

Finally, when you find the perfect specimen,


peel it.ID-10038090

Now it’s open and you can see the stringy bits. In other words, it’s RUINED. REJECT IT. Your parents will try to convince you it’s fine. They’re wrong; it’s not. It’s up to you to prove it; tear it, bite it, lick it, suck on it, squish it, step on it, shove it under the couch. No matter what, do NOT actually eat it.

So. How to Choose a Perfect Banana?

THIS IS A TRICK. There is no perfect banana.

Your parents just want to ruin your life.

The End





Transcript of the Muffin Debacle

August 14, 2008

So a few times a week, I treat myself and stop off at the coffee kiosk on my way to work. Good coffee, and no line like at Starbucks. 

The other day I stopped for my morning coffee, and what follows is entirely true. Names have been changed to protect the idiots. Except me.  The dialogue is between “Me” (really, Me) and “SCG” (Smiley Coffee Girl).


Me:  I’ll have a large mocha and….Hmm…what kind of muffins do you have?

SCG: We have blueberry and cappuccino!

Me:  Okay, I’ll have blueberry.

SCG:  Oh (long pause).  Sorry! We’re out of blueberry (she tries to look a little crestfallen).

Me:  Hmm. Well…. never mind then.

SCG: But wait!! The cappuccino one is really good! I’ve heard that a LOT of people like it!! Really!

Me:  Sigh…Well, okay (realizing this is my only shot at breakfast, and that it takes them 15 minutes to toast a bagel).

SCG: Great! You’ll love it.  I think it even has like, coffee in it, so it gives you a little extra, y’ know??

Me: (I grinned at her. What do you say?)

(skip forward a few minutes and my order is ready)

SCG: Here you go! I hope you enjoy that muffin! We should get more blueberry tomorrow! OK? Bye-ee!

As I drive off, I try not to laugh at her. She was very sweet and helpful, and I’m only being mean if I continue to mock her in my head.  Must….resist….

Anyway, a few minutes later I come to a stop in traffic. I reach in my bag, deciding to give this cappuccino thing a try, strange as it sounds. 

She did say she heard a lot of people liked it!  Who knows, it could be my new favorite.Like that time I tried sushi! Oh, wait, that ended badly.

Ah screw it. Here goes.

Unwrapping the package, I glance down at the muffin I’m holding.


It’s blueberry.



Jealous of Evel Knievel

April 20, 2007
He’s also reckless enough to climb the neighbor’s fence, knowing that there are two sweet little kitties over there, just waiting to kick his furry little butt!Maybe it is just an age thing. I was reading someone’s blog earlier about how age can affect relationships.

But how does age affect your mind? Okay, I know, you start to forget things, etc etc. But I mean your actions–holding back from what you want to do, or used to do, because you’re afraid?

When do we stop doing normal kid things because of fear?  I remember jumping off of walls, climbing to the tops of trees, and turning cartwheels til I thought I’d throw up. I’d hang upside down from the playground bars and let go.

One house I lived in had a very long, very steep driveway. At the bottom of it was a row of very large, very solid boulders. My brother and I would ride down the driveway in a small metal Tonka dump truck. The trick was to wipe out at the bottom so you wouldn’t hit the rocks.

Another house had two floors, and we would put my mattress on the stair landing, jump onto it from the top stair, and then swing the rest of the way down via sheets they had tied to the bannister rails.

I have scars from scrapes and cuts and close calls from trying to keep up with my big brothers. Too many to count. Of course, the boys were even ‘braver’ than me and had numerous broken bones, staples in their scalp, stitches, etc.

If you asked me to do any of that today, I’d hesitate. Actually, I’d probably check your forehead and ask if you’re crazy!

Why the fear now?

Is it wisdom? …Knowing that cracked ribs is probably pretty painful is a good tidbit to keep in mind whilst swinging from a tree branch by your ankles.

Is it age? …Knowing I’m getting older, and am a lot heavier than I was at age 6 makes a difference.  Somebody told me recently that climbing trees isn’t very ladylike. Of course, I told them to shove off and promptly climbed the first tree I found.  I won’t tell you how ungraceful my descent was, though.

Is it because I’m taller? …It’s a lot farther to fall now, and greatly increases the chances of aforementioned cracked ribs.  Plus you can see a lot farther, like exactly how far it is down that hill you’re about to roll down head-over-heels, and how many thorny bushes and rocks are along the way!

Of course, some people will never outgrow their recklessness and their enjoyment of it. Maybe it even makes it more fun, knowing exactly what will happen if you fall, crash, or let go…

Sometimes I wish I could be one of those people, driving racecars at 300 mph, jumping off cliffs, doing backflips on a skateboard…


But then, I really don’t like hospitals all that much.


So yesterday it rained most of the morning. I was home with Little Man and we were just hanging out watching movies and such. I realized I hadn’t seen my cat in awhile, so I went to look for him (usually he’s my little stalking shadow, who quietly ‘happens’ to always be in the same room as me).

I found him a few minutes later, cowering in the darkened bathroom. “What are you doing, you mad thing?” I asked him (yes, I talk to my cat like he can answer me).

He mewed pitfully at me, and then I remembered–it’s raining. He has always been scared of thunder, then he came to be scared of windy rainy days, and now…he’s scared of a slow drizzle. The way it was raining, I’d likely get more wet standing near the tub while Nick takes a bath!

When did this happen? Is it because he’s older?

The funny thing is, this cat LOVES water. He pesters me endlessly to get me to turn on the sink so he can drink out of it. He’d probably even do this if it occurred to him:

A rant, a rave, a copier dance

March 23, 2007

Ugh. Work.

At my current job, I feel like this everyday by around 3 o’clock:

Don’t get me wrong….I like my job. It’s not my chosen career, and it can be mind-numbingly boring sometimes, but I do like it.

Mostly because it’s a job. Which means money to pay the bills. Always a plus there.

Today I stood at the copier all day long. About eighty percent of my job description is to stand there and sort, stack, and scan tax files into the copier server. Among other random stuff, that’s what I do.

Very exciting, of course.

I can tell you’re all very jealous already!


The problem:  when other people need to copy or scan something, they give me the evil eye/ sigh heavily/ make a stupid comment because I’m ‘always at the copier‘, i.e., in their way.


To add insult to injury, they expect me to stop whatever I’m doing and let them go ahead of me. I don’t know if it’s because I’m younger, newer, or just not as ‘important’ as they. Usually, I go ahead and let them.

Not today. I stood my ground, kept on working, and smiled sweetly with an, “I’ll be done in just a sec!”

I got a lot of surprised looks, a few huffs, and a few hoverers, but mostly people turned and walked 10 feet to the other copier machine.

Who knew? Look, the other one works, too!! Wow.

So there.

And they all grew up happily ever after…almost

December 8, 2006

So my brother is in town this week, and it’s so great to see him.

Anyway, tonight we decided to wear out Nicholas and so took him to the McDonald’s playground for big fun and fries. Ryan’s just a big kid himself so he and Nick took off up and down the pipes while I sat. It was wonderful; they were both having a blast and I got a short break, some peace…Well, until they challenged me to climb UP the big, slippery tunnel slide. That was tough! I never did make it to the top. But it sure was fun to try.

I love hanging out with Ryan. We get along great and he’s always fun.  When we were little, it was a different story; I pissed him off, he hit me, I ran. Pretty much status quo, every day. We’d vary it by me sometimes hitting back or him locking me out of the house. We swore to hate each other forever!

I remember the day it changed though. I was about 17, and he was on his way out the door and said, “Wanna go to the store with me?”

I was floored, I was shocked, and happy; couldn’t believe he was actually offering to take me somewhere! We had a nice little trip, got some groceries to make pancakes later.

Of course, as we left the store, he took off running, started the car, and circled the parking lot slowly while I tried to chase him down.