Parental logic at its best…

May 13, 2010

“Mommy, how do people get on TV?”

“Well, they’re actors, and  they try out for parts on show or movies…”

“NO, I mean HOW do they show them IN the TV?? Like get it to play on our TV, when they’re far away?”

“Umm, well I’m pretty sure they shoot the shows with a laser gun and then blast it our TV.”

“….Like on Willy Wonka?”

“Yes, exactly.”

Coffee = love

April 22, 2010

This is how I felt this morning.

Actually, most mornings I feel this way. I’ve always been a night owl, but between having a small child and a regular workday, I rely more and more heavily on the strength of the  coffee bean to get me going.

I didn’t always like coffee very much, but I find myself making a pot almost every morning now.  I’m addicted more to the hazelnut creamer now than the actual coffee itself.  It doesn’t really seem to ‘get me going’ like I hope it will; some days, I wish it would kick my butt into gear, shoot steam out of my ears, and send me on my merry way.

Instead, I slump around for an hour after I wake up, trying to get breakfast and get dressed, etc etc…feel guilty for having to wake the slumbering bumber-boy who is even grumpier than I am in the mornings!

I’ve tried Red Bull, too. It sure as heck doesn’t give me wings, but it does taste like liquid Sweet Tarts, yum! Maybe I just drink too much soda for it to have an effect on me anymore. I suppose I’ve built up a tolerance to my favorite drug just like any good addict should.

My favorite solution for not being able to get up in the morning?

Go back to sleep.

Oh, how I dream about lazy sleeping-in days… If I could get more than six hours of sleep a night that would be…well, I don’t even know the word.

Gone are the days of staying up until 4am for no good reason, waking up around noon and having lunch.  Okay, more like one o’clock. Fine, two. No need for coffee!

If I tried that now I’d…well, actually I don’t know, because any sleep past 7:30 a.m. is interrupted by either:

a) a small person poking at my eyelids

b) a small person whispering, “It was an accident!”

c) a cat yowling outside the door demanding breakfast

d)  small person jumping on my belly

e) all of the above!

The only solution I can think of is to try going to bed before 1 a.m.

Yeah, I’ll do that…Right after I stop wasting time online (hello Facebook!).

The day he became a man…

August 10, 2009

My son just yelled from the bathroom, “Mommy I wish there was a potty in the living room!”

“Why is that?”

“So I can watch TV while I go!” he responded happily. “Wouldn’t that be AWESOME?”

Yeesh.

No Means No!

July 7, 2009

Fourth of July – officially another holiday to spend money on. Sigh…

I could do what most people were doing: load down my car with lots of towels, blankets, drinks, food, sparklers, chairs, sunscreen, bug spray, bottles of water, extra clothes, camera, batteries for the camera, change for tolls, cash for snacks, etc etc.

Instead, I opted to take advantage of my son’s 4-year old viewpoint of the world, wherein he doesn’t yet know what he’s missing out on. So goes the life of the single mom on a budget!

Anyway, this meant one short trip to the grocery store where we got some popcorn, drinks, and he got to help me pick out fireworks.  Of course, being 4, he already has expensive tastes.

“OOH! We need THIS ONE!” (pointing to the huge rockets that are 30 bucks)

“No.”

“HEY! Look at THIS!!!” (huge variety pack of huge rockets, conveniently priced at fifty bucks)

“No.”

“But we NEED it…!”

“No.”

At this point I’m just saying no out of habit. Sometimes I catch myself doing that without even thinking. The problem is, if after I say “no”, I waffle even a little, he jumps on it and becomes unbearably whiny, going for the chinks in my Mommy-armor.  That’s why sometimes I’ll say no to things not really paying attention, just reflex. This time, however, there’s a good reason; fifty dollars worth.

Anyway, to distract his attention from the the HUGE rockets, I showed him the GREAT, REALLY COOL multi-packs available. With a little bit of enthusiastic prodding, he was able to see that ten (tiny) glitter fountains are WAY cooler than the rockets.

Why? 

Because there are MORE of them. And MORE is BETTER!

I love kid logic, especially when it works to my wallet’s advantage. =)

So, once we got home he was desperate to shoot them all off now. Now! NOW!

I explained that we have to wait until it’s dark outside. He looked at me like I had just sprouted five heads and a purple tail.

Every five minutes: “Is it dark enough yet?”

“No.”

“Is it dark enough yet?”

“No.”

“NOW is it dark enough?”

“Yes.”

“REALLY?”

“No.”

I’m so mean, lol.

I finally gave in and we went out and played with sparklers for awhile. I’m disappointed by sparklers these days – I remember them lasting a lot longer. I absolutely loved sparklers as a kid, but the ones they make now are so cheap and spark for about a minute and a half (listen to me, old lady, wheezing, “…back in MY day…”).  But we made the best of it.

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Once it FINALLY got dark, Nick started streaking through the house, shrieking, “It’s dark now! Firework time! Mommy, COME ON! It’s FIREWORK time!!”

DSCN1321So we set off all of out cool fireworks….which took all of ten minutes…but luckily my helpful neighbors had apparently re-mortgaged their house to enjoy their own great fireworks, so they more than made up for the low-end models I had picked out.

Nick and I were cheering the fireworks, and…swear to god…he started doing the Arsenio Hall ‘woot woot woot’. I laughed so hard, and finally was able to ask where he learned to do that.

He shrugged, “I don’t know. I guess I just picked it up somewhere.”

My tires die at home.

June 29, 2009

It’s true.

Most of the time, my lovely loyal tires politely wait until we get home to go flat. It’s really very considerate, because I sure don’t want to be flying down the highway and get a blowout!

Instead, I wake up in the morning, rushing-rushing-rushing to get ready, run out the door, and….SHIIIIIIIT!

It’s a damn good thing I’m handy with a lug wrench.  I’ve changed LOTS of tires in my life, once even when I was 8 months pregnant in the middle of the summer heat. Yeah, that sucked.

Years ago, I did get a flat on the highway, because a truck ahead of me let loose a piece of sharp metal right in front of me…I was all set to put my spare on when I realized…SHIIIIIIT, my spare is flat! Sigh…

You’d think I’d learn! It happened again 2 years ago when I hit a curb.

Tire flat.

Spare flat.

That was a long night.

Anywho, now I’m off to the land of new healthy tires and pushy salesman who want me to pay $60 for the tire, and another $140 in warrantees and extra services!

A Map, you say?

April 29, 2009
How do you spell lost?

I think it’s something like “F$$$&#(@$*#:()$ D!@#$*!!!!!!”

Yeah, I got MORE lost tonight than I ever have in my entire life. I spent 2 hours driving up and down roads trying to find my way, turning around, and eventually realized I was headed back home.

Stop for directions, you say?

Well that would go a lot smoother if there was ANYTHING at all at the exits I pulled off.

Check the map?

Ermmm, don’t have one.

Call someone for help?

Nope, phone battery died 20 minutes down the road.

Car charger?

Ah, hmm, someone small and curious broke it last month.

The only person with me was my 4 yr old son (see: small and curious culprit), who tried to be a helpful navigator by piping up with, “Mommy, I think you’re going the WRONG way!” and “Can we just go home?” and my personal favorite, “Why don’t we just look at the map?”

Tomorrow, I get one of those GPS thingies.

Oh, and repair the damage to my steering wheel from banging my head on it.

Imagination is for people who don’t dream…

April 27, 2009
I’m tired.

Esshausted, actually.

This can all be blamed on:

-my over-active imagination
-too much Medium/CSI/Cold Case-type shows
-boredom
-a big, rambling, mostly empty house
-my uncanny ability to remember freaky details of my dreams

This means when I have a freaky dream, I wake myself up out of it, think “Damn that was freaky!”, then go back to sleep and ‘remember’ the dream all over again.

A couple of nights ago I watched some show that detailed the Black Dahlia murder from decades ago. Curious because I’d heard it mentioned before but never knew the details, I kept watching. Bad idea (shudddder)!

So of course I had nightmares about that. Yay, that was fun! Surprisingly, it didn’t hurt, and afterwards I had a nice chat with someone about how it was done.I have 2 older brothers, and when I was younger they always wanted to watch the scariest shows on TV. I didn’t want to, but I knew that if I acted scared I’d never hear the end of it, so I watched anyway. I can still remember MANY entire scenes from some of those movies in detail (shudder). Dark hallways still creep me out! I’m such a chicken sometimes.

But I did learn some good life lessons…I know that if I ever see green smoke coming out of a door that is slowly creaking open, well then I probably shouldn’t go check it out.

If little tiny crazed men are chewing through the door, and the phone is melting…maybe don’t stay in the house and hide in a closet?

And if I ever realize that all my friends are hanging from trees in pieces, then NOW is a good time to run.

And not upstairs, either.

The vicious thrifty cycle

February 28, 2009

So, I got a new job this week.

Yay!

One catch – gotta be there in two weeks.

Shiiiiiiiiiit.

This should be fun.

So here I sit on the computer, blatantly ignoring all the half-empty boxes littering the floor.

You know, this is habit….Every time I have to move, I think, “Damn, I’ve got TOO MUCH STUFF!”

So I get out some trash bags, chuck a bunch and take a load to the Goodwill…and yet here I am again.

Do I never learn a freakin lesson?

You see, I’m a thrift store junkie. I tease my mom that her local thrift store is really just a trading site for her, but that’s true in my case too. We get tired of having too much stuff so we take a load to donate, then….oh, just have a wee look around…Ooh, what’s that?!…..and go home with more than we dropped off.

So….

I was thinking about having a yard sale,

…but at this point it’s way too much effort to cart it all out at the crack of dawn for an extra 30 bucks. I value my sleep-and-still-pretending-to-be-asleep time way too much for that.

Instead, I’m throwing an on-going-all-inclusive-first-come-first-served FREE Party!

Location: my curb

Time: varies

Items available: depends on my mood and how heavy it is

In my neighborhood I won’t even need a sign.

Any takers?

NOT Valentine’s Day

February 15, 2009

Ah, February 15th…what a great day in history. Did you know…

Holidays and observances

 

I know – exciting, right?

I’m quite beside myself.

I don’t know what the hell a couple of those are, or who John Frum is, and don’t really care. Anyone want to enlighten me? I’m sleepy and lazy right now. Sigh…

Speaking of lazy, let me share my new favorite craigslist post ever:

I’ll give you $2 + cost if you’ll deliver me some orange juice with receipt. I’m too lazy to get it myself. I live right by University Drive in Elon. Thank you.

That’s all it was. I’m dying to know if anyone actually took him up on it.

Anyhoo, I’ve had a great weekend; got a ton of cheap movies, some delicious Chinese food, bought groceries (always very helpful when you’re hungry), and even got to go out and have a little fun.

Anyone else have fun that had nothing to do with Valentine’s Day?

If you had a perfect, picturesque romantic evening with the love of your life – well that’s great, but I don’t want to hear about that shit. Okay, I’m kidding.

Speaking of mood-killers, I watched ‘Nights in Rodanthe’ the other day. It’s one of those tear-jerker Nicholas Sparks book-turned-movie machines. I won’t spoil it for you…but if you’re any kind of romantic at all, then DON’T watch that.  It’s painful and depressing and just when you think it’s gonna get better for this woman, the dude gets killed off!

Oops, spoiler.

Ah well.

I’m off to watch something completely ridonkuculous, silly, and light-hearted. 

“I Keep a Flat Top”

January 29, 2009

So a couple of years ago I was going through a
mighty-a-lonely stretch and signed up for Yahoo Personals. Talked with a few nice guys, met a couple of crazies, the usual.

Every so often, Yahoo very kindly sends me my ‘Recent
Matches!’ even though I took down my profile.

This weekend I opened one, and
was shocked to find out what I had been missing!

 

Check out a few quotes from the potential Mans-O-My-Dreams:

              I’m still very pure as I haven’t met Ms. Right yet.

             NICE GUY WHO GETS ALONE WITH EVERYBODY.

 

             I keep a flat top.

             If you donot expect to much, you will not be disappointed!

             SO SWEET I WILL MAKE YOURE TEETH ROT

             I’m an Investment You won’t Regret in

            Is it deer season yet?

and then the truly creative and ever-popular:
                “HEY”

Seriously, it makes me happy to be single.

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