Posts Tagged ‘Funny’

Ambitions.

December 1, 2010

6:30 AM, Saturday morning.

“Mom, we need to learn how to be a star!”

“Why? Do you want to be a star?”

“I AM a star, I’m fabulous! I mean famous. Or both…What happens when you’re both?”

“You get your own TV show.”

“Okay then, I wanna be Johnny Quest! His turn is over.”

The day he became a man…

August 10, 2009

My son just yelled from the bathroom, “Mommy I wish there was a potty in the living room!”

“Why is that?”

“So I can watch TV while I go!” he responded happily. “Wouldn’t that be AWESOME?”

Yeesh.

No Means No!

July 7, 2009

Fourth of July – officially another holiday to spend money on. Sigh…

I could do what most people were doing: load down my car with lots of towels, blankets, drinks, food, sparklers, chairs, sunscreen, bug spray, bottles of water, extra clothes, camera, batteries for the camera, change for tolls, cash for snacks, etc etc.

Instead, I opted to take advantage of my son’s 4-year old viewpoint of the world, wherein he doesn’t yet know what he’s missing out on. So goes the life of the single mom on a budget!

Anyway, this meant one short trip to the grocery store where we got some popcorn, drinks, and he got to help me pick out fireworks.  Of course, being 4, he already has expensive tastes.

“OOH! We need THIS ONE!” (pointing to the huge rockets that are 30 bucks)

“No.”

“HEY! Look at THIS!!!” (huge variety pack of huge rockets, conveniently priced at fifty bucks)

“No.”

“But we NEED it…!”

“No.”

At this point I’m just saying no out of habit. Sometimes I catch myself doing that without even thinking. The problem is, if after I say “no”, I waffle even a little, he jumps on it and becomes unbearably whiny, going for the chinks in my Mommy-armor.  That’s why sometimes I’ll say no to things not really paying attention, just reflex. This time, however, there’s a good reason; fifty dollars worth.

Anyway, to distract his attention from the the HUGE rockets, I showed him the GREAT, REALLY COOL multi-packs available. With a little bit of enthusiastic prodding, he was able to see that ten (tiny) glitter fountains are WAY cooler than the rockets.

Why? 

Because there are MORE of them. And MORE is BETTER!

I love kid logic, especially when it works to my wallet’s advantage. =)

So, once we got home he was desperate to shoot them all off now. Now! NOW!

I explained that we have to wait until it’s dark outside. He looked at me like I had just sprouted five heads and a purple tail.

Every five minutes: “Is it dark enough yet?”

“No.”

“Is it dark enough yet?”

“No.”

“NOW is it dark enough?”

“Yes.”

“REALLY?”

“No.”

I’m so mean, lol.

I finally gave in and we went out and played with sparklers for awhile. I’m disappointed by sparklers these days – I remember them lasting a lot longer. I absolutely loved sparklers as a kid, but the ones they make now are so cheap and spark for about a minute and a half (listen to me, old lady, wheezing, “…back in MY day…”).  But we made the best of it.

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Once it FINALLY got dark, Nick started streaking through the house, shrieking, “It’s dark now! Firework time! Mommy, COME ON! It’s FIREWORK time!!”

DSCN1321So we set off all of out cool fireworks….which took all of ten minutes…but luckily my helpful neighbors had apparently re-mortgaged their house to enjoy their own great fireworks, so they more than made up for the low-end models I had picked out.

Nick and I were cheering the fireworks, and…swear to god…he started doing the Arsenio Hall ‘woot woot woot’. I laughed so hard, and finally was able to ask where he learned to do that.

He shrugged, “I don’t know. I guess I just picked it up somewhere.”

There’s your sign, kid!

January 14, 2009

Number one sign your child is playing
too many online games at Mickey Mouse Clubhouse:

While fighting outside with his invisible
pirate friends, he yells out to them:

“C’mon guys!  Use your mouse and
arrow keys to help out!”

cartoon 043

Transcript of the Muffin Debacle

August 14, 2008

So a few times a week, I treat myself and stop off at the coffee kiosk on my way to work. Good coffee, and no line like at Starbucks. 

The other day I stopped for my morning coffee, and what follows is entirely true. Names have been changed to protect the idiots. Except me.  The dialogue is between “Me” (really, Me) and “SCG” (Smiley Coffee Girl).

************

Me:  I’ll have a large mocha and….Hmm…what kind of muffins do you have?

SCG: We have blueberry and cappuccino!

Me:  Okay, I’ll have blueberry.

SCG:  Oh (long pause).  Sorry! We’re out of blueberry (she tries to look a little crestfallen).

Me:  Hmm. Well…. never mind then.

SCG: But wait!! The cappuccino one is really good! I’ve heard that a LOT of people like it!! Really!

Me:  Sigh…Well, okay (realizing this is my only shot at breakfast, and that it takes them 15 minutes to toast a bagel).

SCG: Great! You’ll love it.  I think it even has like, coffee in it, so it gives you a little extra, y’ know??

Me: (I grinned at her. What do you say?)

(skip forward a few minutes and my order is ready)

SCG: Here you go! I hope you enjoy that muffin! We should get more blueberry tomorrow! OK? Bye-ee!

As I drive off, I try not to laugh at her. She was very sweet and helpful, and I’m only being mean if I continue to mock her in my head.  Must….resist….

Anyway, a few minutes later I come to a stop in traffic. I reach in my bag, deciding to give this cappuccino thing a try, strange as it sounds. 

She did say she heard a lot of people liked it!  Who knows, it could be my new favorite.Like that time I tried sushi! Oh, wait, that ended badly.

Ah screw it. Here goes.

Unwrapping the package, I glance down at the muffin I’m holding.

 

It’s blueberry.

 

 

Cleaning house is dirty business!

July 6, 2007

I’m on a roll.

No, not that kind of roll.

But yum.

Anyway, I’m feeling very productive lately, takin’ names and kickin’ butt.  Woo!

I get home from work and feel like I have to do something. Not sure about where to start, I ask Mr. Clean what he thinks.

“Well, now, it looks like your kitchen floor could use a little extra shine, and maybe you could sweep the porch and patch that hole in the wall, and scrub the windows, and get a ladder and then you could–”  he pauses as I cut him off.

“Are you freakin’ crazy?!” I yelp. “I was thinking maybe a load of laundry and a quick wipe of the counter. I could brush those crumbs under the fridge and it’ll look great….Thanks for the  tips, though.” I squeeze him back in his shiny bottle and shove him under the counter.

Geez.

I go to gather up some clothes out of the bathroom. After I make two piles, I notice my nail polish under the edge of the cabinet.  I’ve been looking for it for weeks, so I sit down on the edge of the tub to do a touch-up.

Nice.

I feel so good about that I decide to give myself a little facial. Quick mud-mask is always fun.  As I wait for it to dry, I flip through an old People magazine.

Ooh, I love crosswords! The People ones are always so easy.

Hmm, a tough one…what was the name of Gary Shandling’s TV show?

Oh, yeah, the “Its the Gary Shandling Show”!  He was such a creative guy, I wonder what happened.

After tripping over my laundry piles twice, I remember what I was supposed to be doing.

Ugh.

Sigh….

I carry the clothes to the laundry room and drop them on the floor.

Opening the cabinet to get the detergent, I —- Ooh! Picture hooks! I’ve been wanting to put that painting up in my room.  Off I go in search of a hammer.

You’d think it might be in the toolbox, right?

Silly rabbit.

After a half an hour of fruitless searching (which turns up a missing earring, a book I’d been meaning to finish, and some stale goldfish crackers), I have no hammer.

Also, in the course of my search, I have now lost the picture hooks.

I sit down and realize, whew, I’m worn out from all this productivity.

With all that I’ve gotten done, I deserve a nap.

The Edumacation of the Small Ones

March 8, 2007
So my little guy is going to a new daycare.  I’m not thrilled with him having to go at all, but hey. Anyhoo, he was all excited about “school” and seemed happy to go.

Day one:  He came home all excited  and said it was fun. Then his face got sad, and he said seriously, “I cried.”
“Why? What happened?” I asked.
He sighed heavily and replied, “He hit me. The boy hit me.”
I didn’t want to make a big deal and make him more upset about it, so I played it cool. In reality, I wanted to find this evil child and put the smackdown on him for hurting my baby. Calming, deep breath…. “But you’re okay now?”
“Yeah, I all better,” he said, smiling. Good.
Day two:  He had lots of fun, he said, but then…”I cried.”
“Why? What happened?” I asked, feeling a little deja vu.
He sighed and replied, “He pushed me. The boy pushed me.”
“Are you okay now?”
“Yeah, mommy, I okay.” He smiled sweetly, making me want to go find that little bully and tell him what’s what.
Day three:  Again, big fun at school, but then…”I cried.”
By now I was getting aggravated with this boy who kept hurting my baby. I was ready to get upset, but instead I kept to the script. “Why? What happened?”
He looked down at the ground, and then said indignantly, “He kicked me BACK!”
So there.