Posts Tagged ‘squirrels’

The Perfect Banana…

June 13, 2013

Read this online today…reminds me of some little boy I know!


How to Choose the Perfect Banana:
A Practical Guide for Kids

First, it’s important to be totally ageist when it comes to bananas. Are there age spots?


Yes? Sick. REJECT IT.

Next, bananas must have a completely uniform yellow. This banana?


Too green AND there’s a spot. REJECT IT. Also, start crying.

Finally, when you find the perfect specimen,


peel it.ID-10038090

Now it’s open and you can see the stringy bits. In other words, it’s RUINED. REJECT IT. Your parents will try to convince you it’s fine. They’re wrong; it’s not. It’s up to you to prove it; tear it, bite it, lick it, suck on it, squish it, step on it, shove it under the couch. No matter what, do NOT actually eat it.

So. How to Choose a Perfect Banana?

THIS IS A TRICK. There is no perfect banana.

Your parents just want to ruin your life.

The End





Furry minions – Be GONE!

December 6, 2006


They’re cute, furry, chittering little things that scamper around the trees being all…fluffy.

However, squirrels are not so cute when they live in your ceilings.

We have three of those little bastards that have been camped out upstairs for a month or so, and they are noisy. I’m guessing they wait until they think we’re asleep, and then they have some kind of kinky squirrel Olympics going on. Sounds like a tiny herd of really fat elephants are up there, running back and forth (scratch, scrabble, scratch) back and forth (skritch skritch SKREETCH), and on and on.

My mom bought some bait that will, as you say, kill those suckers dead…but never put it out. I guilted her out of it, and anyway PETA’s been picketing the house, so she decided not to.  Or maybe it’s just because it’s really fucking hard to get into the attic. Like tiny contortionist hard. Either way, the squirrels have been living it up, and getting fatter every day on the seeds we throw out for the birds.

And so, when my brother showed up yesterday, he decides he’s going to fix the piece of trim on the roof where they get in (aka escape hatch).  He’s very tall and has no fear of careening off the roof and snapping his neck, so he can do that. Not sure if that’s confidence or pure idiocy. Whatever. As for me, I hold the ladder!

Anyway, he stapled some mesh over the hole and got down. I went inside and started doing some other things. A short while later,  I hear Nick yelling and my brother hooting “The squirrels! There they go!! They’re freaking out!!”  I also hear the mad skritch-scratching pounding of said rodents running around the roof, indeed freaking out. I’ll point out that we did NOT pin them up in the attic to waste away (like my mom wanted, you heartless thing). Instead we locked them out of their cozy nest in the middle of winter.

Apparently they weren’t too happy about it.  They spent the next half hour streaking up and down the roof and screeching at us, completely pissed off. My ears were burning from their implied foul language, lol. I felt a little guilty about it being cold outside and all, but seriously, if you could see these squirrels…they’re as fat as a small cat. They look like little furry cantaloupes. I keep waiting for one of them to topple off the power lines and tree limbs like little sumo dudes, but they’re still freakishly agile even while carrying five pounds of pilfered seed in their cheeks.

 UPDATE:    Funniest squirrel tale I’ve ever read