Posts Tagged ‘true story!’

The Perfect Banana…

June 13, 2013

Read this online today…reminds me of some little boy I know!

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How to Choose the Perfect Banana:
A Practical Guide for Kids

First, it’s important to be totally ageist when it comes to bananas. Are there age spots?

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Yes? Sick. REJECT IT.

Next, bananas must have a completely uniform yellow. This banana?

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Too green AND there’s a spot. REJECT IT. Also, start crying.

Finally, when you find the perfect specimen,

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peel it.ID-10038090

Now it’s open and you can see the stringy bits. In other words, it’s RUINED. REJECT IT. Your parents will try to convince you it’s fine. They’re wrong; it’s not. It’s up to you to prove it; tear it, bite it, lick it, suck on it, squish it, step on it, shove it under the couch. No matter what, do NOT actually eat it.

So. How to Choose a Perfect Banana?

THIS IS A TRICK. There is no perfect banana.

Your parents just want to ruin your life.

The End

……….

Source: http://putdowntheurinalcake.com/

 

Ambitions.

December 1, 2010

6:30 AM, Saturday morning.

“Mom, we need to learn how to be a star!”

“Why? Do you want to be a star?”

“I AM a star, I’m fabulous! I mean famous. Or both…What happens when you’re both?”

“You get your own TV show.”

“Okay then, I wanna be Johnny Quest! His turn is over.”

Parental logic at its best…

May 13, 2010

“Mommy, how do people get on TV?”

“Well, they’re actors, and  they try out for parts on show or movies…”

“NO, I mean HOW do they show them IN the TV?? Like get it to play on our TV, when they’re far away?”

“Umm, well I’m pretty sure they shoot the shows with a laser gun and then blast it our TV.”

“….Like on Willy Wonka?”

“Yes, exactly.”

My tires die at home.

June 29, 2009

It’s true.

Most of the time, my lovely loyal tires politely wait until we get home to go flat. It’s really very considerate, because I sure don’t want to be flying down the highway and get a blowout!

Instead, I wake up in the morning, rushing-rushing-rushing to get ready, run out the door, and….SHIIIIIIIT!

It’s a damn good thing I’m handy with a lug wrench.  I’ve changed LOTS of tires in my life, once even when I was 8 months pregnant in the middle of the summer heat. Yeah, that sucked.

Years ago, I did get a flat on the highway, because a truck ahead of me let loose a piece of sharp metal right in front of me…I was all set to put my spare on when I realized…SHIIIIIIT, my spare is flat! Sigh…

You’d think I’d learn! It happened again 2 years ago when I hit a curb.

Tire flat.

Spare flat.

That was a long night.

Anywho, now I’m off to the land of new healthy tires and pushy salesman who want me to pay $60 for the tire, and another $140 in warrantees and extra services!

The vicious thrifty cycle

February 28, 2009

So, I got a new job this week.

Yay!

One catch – gotta be there in two weeks.

Shiiiiiiiiiit.

This should be fun.

So here I sit on the computer, blatantly ignoring all the half-empty boxes littering the floor.

You know, this is habit….Every time I have to move, I think, “Damn, I’ve got TOO MUCH STUFF!”

So I get out some trash bags, chuck a bunch and take a load to the Goodwill…and yet here I am again.

Do I never learn a freakin lesson?

You see, I’m a thrift store junkie. I tease my mom that her local thrift store is really just a trading site for her, but that’s true in my case too. We get tired of having too much stuff so we take a load to donate, then….oh, just have a wee look around…Ooh, what’s that?!…..and go home with more than we dropped off.

So….

I was thinking about having a yard sale,

…but at this point it’s way too much effort to cart it all out at the crack of dawn for an extra 30 bucks. I value my sleep-and-still-pretending-to-be-asleep time way too much for that.

Instead, I’m throwing an on-going-all-inclusive-first-come-first-served FREE Party!

Location: my curb

Time: varies

Items available: depends on my mood and how heavy it is

In my neighborhood I won’t even need a sign.

Any takers?

“I Keep a Flat Top”

January 29, 2009

So a couple of years ago I was going through a
mighty-a-lonely stretch and signed up for Yahoo Personals. Talked with a few nice guys, met a couple of crazies, the usual.

Every so often, Yahoo very kindly sends me my ‘Recent
Matches!’ even though I took down my profile.

This weekend I opened one, and
was shocked to find out what I had been missing!

 

Check out a few quotes from the potential Mans-O-My-Dreams:

              I’m still very pure as I haven’t met Ms. Right yet.

             NICE GUY WHO GETS ALONE WITH EVERYBODY.

 

             I keep a flat top.

             If you donot expect to much, you will not be disappointed!

             SO SWEET I WILL MAKE YOURE TEETH ROT

             I’m an Investment You won’t Regret in

            Is it deer season yet?

and then the truly creative and ever-popular:
                “HEY”

Seriously, it makes me happy to be single.

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Where the hell did I put my rose-colored glasses?!

October 27, 2008

So lately I’ve been really paying attention to the news and the goings-on of the world.  This is entirely out of character for me, as I much prefer to hear about things second-hand. I consider it a service to humanity, because if someone gets a chance to enlighten me for a few minutes, well then- maybe it made them happy. Or at least they get to feel a little superior because I’m an idiot! Strike that, not an idiot, just selectively uninformed.

This all started with all the election to-do. I fully intend to finally vote this year, and figured I may as well have someone picked out. Probably a better idea than calling out from a polling booth, “Hey, who’s THIS guy?!”

Well, I don’t watch TV, I rarely buy newspapers, and I’m too impatient to sit still and watch whole broadcasts online, so I succumbed to talk radio on my way home.  I found 3 stations that I switch between every few minutes, depending on who’s being the least idiotic at the time.  It’s really hard to sit and listen to people rant and rave about things that things of which I know nothing.

And 2 months later, I’ve found it’s even harder to listen people rant and rave about things which I have an opinion on (and actually know what the hell they’re talking about!).  I caught myself talking back to some dumbass yesterday, and immediately turned the radio off. No need to start that. Next thing you know, I’ll be calling in to tell them off, and oh, would that be a slippery slope!

I’ve started changing back to music in the past few days, because really, am I better off for having heard a pitiful ‘debate’ between 2 school board members, or about the traffic on I-10, or 30 minutes on why Kaycee Anthony is crazy and obviously murdered her child?

Yesterday I got a newspaper, and realized it was all the same news that I read on the Internet the night before.  This time around, it wasn’t nearly as surprising!

I do try to buy a newspaper occasionally, but never because I need one. We have a lot of people around town standing at intersections selling papers. They’re out there every day, rain or shine. I hardly ever see anyone actually stop and buy one…they guy on the corner next to my work is super nice, and every morning I wonder what made him decide to do that for a living. Maybe he’s got another job he goes to later, maybe he’s retired, I don’t know.  I did find this though.

Then there are the people who stand on corners with signs, every single day, with their ‘Final Liquidation Clearance TODAY ONLY!!’ signs. For the past 2 years, lol.  They’re out they’re with sunblock on, shade umbrellas, headphones, etc.  I wonder what that pays??  Personally I would go absolutely apeshit crazy to have to stand in one place all day waving a sign, day after day.

Anyway, enough of my ravings…gotta go check out tomorrow’s news! ; )

Transcript of the Muffin Debacle

August 14, 2008

So a few times a week, I treat myself and stop off at the coffee kiosk on my way to work. Good coffee, and no line like at Starbucks. 

The other day I stopped for my morning coffee, and what follows is entirely true. Names have been changed to protect the idiots. Except me.  The dialogue is between “Me” (really, Me) and “SCG” (Smiley Coffee Girl).

************

Me:  I’ll have a large mocha and….Hmm…what kind of muffins do you have?

SCG: We have blueberry and cappuccino!

Me:  Okay, I’ll have blueberry.

SCG:  Oh (long pause).  Sorry! We’re out of blueberry (she tries to look a little crestfallen).

Me:  Hmm. Well…. never mind then.

SCG: But wait!! The cappuccino one is really good! I’ve heard that a LOT of people like it!! Really!

Me:  Sigh…Well, okay (realizing this is my only shot at breakfast, and that it takes them 15 minutes to toast a bagel).

SCG: Great! You’ll love it.  I think it even has like, coffee in it, so it gives you a little extra, y’ know??

Me: (I grinned at her. What do you say?)

(skip forward a few minutes and my order is ready)

SCG: Here you go! I hope you enjoy that muffin! We should get more blueberry tomorrow! OK? Bye-ee!

As I drive off, I try not to laugh at her. She was very sweet and helpful, and I’m only being mean if I continue to mock her in my head.  Must….resist….

Anyway, a few minutes later I come to a stop in traffic. I reach in my bag, deciding to give this cappuccino thing a try, strange as it sounds. 

She did say she heard a lot of people liked it!  Who knows, it could be my new favorite.Like that time I tried sushi! Oh, wait, that ended badly.

Ah screw it. Here goes.

Unwrapping the package, I glance down at the muffin I’m holding.

 

It’s blueberry.

 

 

Cleaning house is dirty business!

July 6, 2007

I’m on a roll.

No, not that kind of roll.

But yum.

Anyway, I’m feeling very productive lately, takin’ names and kickin’ butt.  Woo!

I get home from work and feel like I have to do something. Not sure about where to start, I ask Mr. Clean what he thinks.

“Well, now, it looks like your kitchen floor could use a little extra shine, and maybe you could sweep the porch and patch that hole in the wall, and scrub the windows, and get a ladder and then you could–”  he pauses as I cut him off.

“Are you freakin’ crazy?!” I yelp. “I was thinking maybe a load of laundry and a quick wipe of the counter. I could brush those crumbs under the fridge and it’ll look great….Thanks for the  tips, though.” I squeeze him back in his shiny bottle and shove him under the counter.

Geez.

I go to gather up some clothes out of the bathroom. After I make two piles, I notice my nail polish under the edge of the cabinet.  I’ve been looking for it for weeks, so I sit down on the edge of the tub to do a touch-up.

Nice.

I feel so good about that I decide to give myself a little facial. Quick mud-mask is always fun.  As I wait for it to dry, I flip through an old People magazine.

Ooh, I love crosswords! The People ones are always so easy.

Hmm, a tough one…what was the name of Gary Shandling’s TV show?

Oh, yeah, the “Its the Gary Shandling Show”!  He was such a creative guy, I wonder what happened.

After tripping over my laundry piles twice, I remember what I was supposed to be doing.

Ugh.

Sigh….

I carry the clothes to the laundry room and drop them on the floor.

Opening the cabinet to get the detergent, I —- Ooh! Picture hooks! I’ve been wanting to put that painting up in my room.  Off I go in search of a hammer.

You’d think it might be in the toolbox, right?

Silly rabbit.

After a half an hour of fruitless searching (which turns up a missing earring, a book I’d been meaning to finish, and some stale goldfish crackers), I have no hammer.

Also, in the course of my search, I have now lost the picture hooks.

I sit down and realize, whew, I’m worn out from all this productivity.

With all that I’ve gotten done, I deserve a nap.

My Goodwill stretced thin…

February 24, 2007

A couple of weekends ago I moved my junk out of storage in Fairhope. Who knew I had so much stuff I would barely miss for six months?! I took a lot of it to the Goodwill, because maybe somebody might need a crooked lamp, or a used baby seat, or some rickety shelves.

The sad thing is a lot of that stuff I actually BOUGHT at said Goodwill!

Anyway, one of the things I dropped off was my old computer. It was, in computer years, about 256 years old, and had PC Alzheimer’s (which means it forgot it was supposed to keep working!).

Well, as I was unloading the box with the computer, I hear behind me, “PSSTT! Hey!”

I turned around, and one of the Goodwill women was calling me over. Curious, I went over to the dock where she was glancing around furtively.

“That computer work?” she whispered.

I shrugged, “Sometimes.”

She nodded. “Well, we don’t actually sell the computers here anymore. They ship ’em to the Home Office up north.”

I looked at her blankly. “So?”

I’m thinking I don’t care WHAT they do with it, I just don’t want one more thing to cart around anymore.

“So…Do you know where the elementary school is?”

I nodded, wondering if she was crazy.

“Okay, well behind it is a little store, and you turn left at the trailer park, and the fifth trailer on the right is mine. My husband should be home.”

HUH?

“That’s great, but uhh, why are you telling me this?” I asked her.

“So you can take the computer there for me!” she hissed, still glancing around.

Oh, of course! How silly of me. “Uh, no, that’s okay,” I said, trying not to laugh. “I’m actually really busy today, and I don’t….well, I just can’t.”

“Well, can you bring it tomorrow, then?” she persisted. “Anytime is fine, really!”

She’s interrupted by the loading guy. “Bernice! Get your butt over here and help me!”

She turned and gave me a furtive thumbs-up as she walked away.

Two minutes later the computer was unceremoniously dumped next to a smelly couch.