Posts Tagged ‘ARGH!’

The Perfect Banana…

June 13, 2013

Read this online today…reminds me of some little boy I know!


How to Choose the Perfect Banana:
A Practical Guide for Kids

First, it’s important to be totally ageist when it comes to bananas. Are there age spots?


Yes? Sick. REJECT IT.

Next, bananas must have a completely uniform yellow. This banana?


Too green AND there’s a spot. REJECT IT. Also, start crying.

Finally, when you find the perfect specimen,


peel it.ID-10038090

Now it’s open and you can see the stringy bits. In other words, it’s RUINED. REJECT IT. Your parents will try to convince you it’s fine. They’re wrong; it’s not. It’s up to you to prove it; tear it, bite it, lick it, suck on it, squish it, step on it, shove it under the couch. No matter what, do NOT actually eat it.

So. How to Choose a Perfect Banana?

THIS IS A TRICK. There is no perfect banana.

Your parents just want to ruin your life.

The End





Sensitivity Traininng Not Required.

July 13, 2011

He used to be so tough! He would fall flat on his face, get up, and keep running. Some punk toddler would shove him and he’d frown then walk away.

Now…he cries.

A lot.

He’s 6 and SOO sensitive I don’t know what to do.  Somebody looks at him funny and he gets his feelings hurt. I get upset when he asks for the 45th time if he can ride his bike…and he cries because I’m upset. He gets a paper cut and doesn’t cry about until I don’t notice that he has an infinitesimally tiny cut on his finger. He and his best friend become sworn enemies every other day, for about 3 hours. I swear they act like teenage girls!

At a loss on this  one…

When I was little I was not a crier – I was a screamer. Oh, I was SUCH a brat, lol…I harassed the shit out of my older brothers. But to be honest they were pretty mean in return.

I remember the biggest trouble I got in  at 6 years old: my brothers bikes had been stolen, so one day my brother Ryan took off on my bike, pink streamers flying from the handlebars. I was so upset I stood in the middle of the street and screamed after him the worst thing I could think of. “YOU…..ASSHOLE!” and then I ran into the woods and hid because I thought the neighbors might tell on me saying bad words.

Turns out, I screamed so loud that my dad heard me from inside the house. Oops!

My tires die at home.

June 29, 2009

It’s true.

Most of the time, my lovely loyal tires politely wait until we get home to go flat. It’s really very considerate, because I sure don’t want to be flying down the highway and get a blowout!

Instead, I wake up in the morning, rushing-rushing-rushing to get ready, run out the door, and….SHIIIIIIIT!

It’s a damn good thing I’m handy with a lug wrench.  I’ve changed LOTS of tires in my life, once even when I was 8 months pregnant in the middle of the summer heat. Yeah, that sucked.

Years ago, I did get a flat on the highway, because a truck ahead of me let loose a piece of sharp metal right in front of me…I was all set to put my spare on when I realized…SHIIIIIIT, my spare is flat! Sigh…

You’d think I’d learn! It happened again 2 years ago when I hit a curb.

Tire flat.

Spare flat.

That was a long night.

Anywho, now I’m off to the land of new healthy tires and pushy salesman who want me to pay $60 for the tire, and another $140 in warrantees and extra services!

Imagination is for people who don’t dream…

April 27, 2009
I’m tired.

Esshausted, actually.

This can all be blamed on:

-my over-active imagination
-too much Medium/CSI/Cold Case-type shows
-a big, rambling, mostly empty house
-my uncanny ability to remember freaky details of my dreams

This means when I have a freaky dream, I wake myself up out of it, think “Damn that was freaky!”, then go back to sleep and ‘remember’ the dream all over again.

A couple of nights ago I watched some show that detailed the Black Dahlia murder from decades ago. Curious because I’d heard it mentioned before but never knew the details, I kept watching. Bad idea (shudddder)!

So of course I had nightmares about that. Yay, that was fun! Surprisingly, it didn’t hurt, and afterwards I had a nice chat with someone about how it was done.I have 2 older brothers, and when I was younger they always wanted to watch the scariest shows on TV. I didn’t want to, but I knew that if I acted scared I’d never hear the end of it, so I watched anyway. I can still remember MANY entire scenes from some of those movies in detail (shudder). Dark hallways still creep me out! I’m such a chicken sometimes.

But I did learn some good life lessons…I know that if I ever see green smoke coming out of a door that is slowly creaking open, well then I probably shouldn’t go check it out.

If little tiny crazed men are chewing through the door, and the phone is melting…maybe don’t stay in the house and hide in a closet?

And if I ever realize that all my friends are hanging from trees in pieces, then NOW is a good time to run.

And not upstairs, either.

Tell me why…

September 9, 2008

Why…is it, that on this wonderful night when my son is with my mom…all I want to do is watch a movie (all the way through with no interruptions) and then go to sleep (in peace, no fuss, no reading Dr Seuss again. And again. And again.)?

Why…does my car seem to drop another piece of itself every week? This week it’s the cover for the turn signal. Just – gone. I think it’s leaving a ‘trail of breadcrumbs’ to someone who will appreciate it.

Why…aren’t people more open-minded? Why is everything cut-and-dried, that’s it, you’re wrong, I’m right?  They need to roll their windows down for once and see the great big wide world outside that has so many intricacies, nooks and crannies, and things that are good and bad and lovely and ugly all at once…

Why…is it so hard to make a travel coffee cup that doesn’t splatter everywhere when you try to open the lid?

Why…are there so many lonely people in the world, when there are so many other lonely people in the world? Are they too desperate to look around and find one another?

Why…are there 30 kinds of orange juice in the store? Do we really need one glass of juice to give us varying levels of pulp, antioxidants, calcium, multivitamins? And have you tasted that stuff? It’s all shite. 

Why…am I so offended by the ‘cereal-with-milk-bars’? What’s next, a meat stick with mashed potato and veggie coating?

Why…do some people see only the bad, and others only the good? Are they both blind, or just lazy?

Why…am I not out doing something stupid?


Transcript of the Muffin Debacle

August 14, 2008

So a few times a week, I treat myself and stop off at the coffee kiosk on my way to work. Good coffee, and no line like at Starbucks. 

The other day I stopped for my morning coffee, and what follows is entirely true. Names have been changed to protect the idiots. Except me.  The dialogue is between “Me” (really, Me) and “SCG” (Smiley Coffee Girl).


Me:  I’ll have a large mocha and….Hmm…what kind of muffins do you have?

SCG: We have blueberry and cappuccino!

Me:  Okay, I’ll have blueberry.

SCG:  Oh (long pause).  Sorry! We’re out of blueberry (she tries to look a little crestfallen).

Me:  Hmm. Well…. never mind then.

SCG: But wait!! The cappuccino one is really good! I’ve heard that a LOT of people like it!! Really!

Me:  Sigh…Well, okay (realizing this is my only shot at breakfast, and that it takes them 15 minutes to toast a bagel).

SCG: Great! You’ll love it.  I think it even has like, coffee in it, so it gives you a little extra, y’ know??

Me: (I grinned at her. What do you say?)

(skip forward a few minutes and my order is ready)

SCG: Here you go! I hope you enjoy that muffin! We should get more blueberry tomorrow! OK? Bye-ee!

As I drive off, I try not to laugh at her. She was very sweet and helpful, and I’m only being mean if I continue to mock her in my head.  Must….resist….

Anyway, a few minutes later I come to a stop in traffic. I reach in my bag, deciding to give this cappuccino thing a try, strange as it sounds. 

She did say she heard a lot of people liked it!  Who knows, it could be my new favorite.Like that time I tried sushi! Oh, wait, that ended badly.

Ah screw it. Here goes.

Unwrapping the package, I glance down at the muffin I’m holding.


It’s blueberry.



Ode to Office Boredom

May 15, 2007

“These office supplies don’t steal themselves, folks!”

The other day I was standing at the copier at work.

All day long.

In cute but painful shoes.

Bored out of my mind.

You see, I was assigned the funfunbigfun task of scanning 100-page files into the copier. There were 20 stacks of these lovelylovelybigfun files.


I had to stand there while everything scanned (all day long) (in my painful shoes)(stopping anyone who walked by to chat).

Eventually I pulled out my phone and checked my email, horrorscope, read the news, DearAbby, and then googled ‘death by boredom’.

Next I played three games of monopoly and kicked ass twice. That top hat just can’t keep it together!

Finally, in desperation, this is what I turned to:


This is the office supply drawer for the area I was in. It holds wonderful treasures such as paperclips, binder clips, tape, post-its, broken pencils, and one fuzzy Halls cough drop.

Even though I eventually started to get hungry, I was able to resist the cough drop because of this:

Our megasized jar-o-mini-chocolate-bars! This was the reason everyone stopped to chat with me. At some point in the conversation, they’d oh-so-casually lean over and grab one as if it were an afterthought.

Sure, whatever you say. I know people who plan errands to that hallway just to hit the candy jar. I used to be one of them!

Anyway, in between candy hits and gossip, I started working with what I had at my disposal. My first efforts produced this:


Binder Clip Dragon. He may look ferocious, but he only eats paper. And the occasional finger or facial projection.

Next I set up the clips and some handy Reese’s cups to play ‘chess’….

Then I realized that I had no one to play with, and I don’t really like chess anyway.

So instead I made some flowers

You can’t tell from these cell-phone pictures, but the flowers turned out amazingly lifelike and beautiful.

Later I tried to fit myself into the cabinets so I could take a nap. It worked until the file I had been scanning jammed up and the whole machine caught on fire and burnt itself to a crisp.   Then they had to evacuate the building and send everyone home with two weeks paid vacation.

  Ok, that was me dreaming…but it was nice.

My Goodwill stretced thin…

February 24, 2007

A couple of weekends ago I moved my junk out of storage in Fairhope. Who knew I had so much stuff I would barely miss for six months?! I took a lot of it to the Goodwill, because maybe somebody might need a crooked lamp, or a used baby seat, or some rickety shelves.

The sad thing is a lot of that stuff I actually BOUGHT at said Goodwill!

Anyway, one of the things I dropped off was my old computer. It was, in computer years, about 256 years old, and had PC Alzheimer’s (which means it forgot it was supposed to keep working!).

Well, as I was unloading the box with the computer, I hear behind me, “PSSTT! Hey!”

I turned around, and one of the Goodwill women was calling me over. Curious, I went over to the dock where she was glancing around furtively.

“That computer work?” she whispered.

I shrugged, “Sometimes.”

She nodded. “Well, we don’t actually sell the computers here anymore. They ship ’em to the Home Office up north.”

I looked at her blankly. “So?”

I’m thinking I don’t care WHAT they do with it, I just don’t want one more thing to cart around anymore.

“So…Do you know where the elementary school is?”

I nodded, wondering if she was crazy.

“Okay, well behind it is a little store, and you turn left at the trailer park, and the fifth trailer on the right is mine. My husband should be home.”


“That’s great, but uhh, why are you telling me this?” I asked her.

“So you can take the computer there for me!” she hissed, still glancing around.

Oh, of course! How silly of me. “Uh, no, that’s okay,” I said, trying not to laugh. “I’m actually really busy today, and I don’t….well, I just can’t.”

“Well, can you bring it tomorrow, then?” she persisted. “Anytime is fine, really!”

She’s interrupted by the loading guy. “Bernice! Get your butt over here and help me!”

She turned and gave me a furtive thumbs-up as she walked away.

Two minutes later the computer was unceremoniously dumped next to a smelly couch.

And they all grew up happily ever after…almost

December 8, 2006

So my brother is in town this week, and it’s so great to see him.

Anyway, tonight we decided to wear out Nicholas and so took him to the McDonald’s playground for big fun and fries. Ryan’s just a big kid himself so he and Nick took off up and down the pipes while I sat. It was wonderful; they were both having a blast and I got a short break, some peace…Well, until they challenged me to climb UP the big, slippery tunnel slide. That was tough! I never did make it to the top. But it sure was fun to try.

I love hanging out with Ryan. We get along great and he’s always fun.  When we were little, it was a different story; I pissed him off, he hit me, I ran. Pretty much status quo, every day. We’d vary it by me sometimes hitting back or him locking me out of the house. We swore to hate each other forever!

I remember the day it changed though. I was about 17, and he was on his way out the door and said, “Wanna go to the store with me?”

I was floored, I was shocked, and happy; couldn’t believe he was actually offering to take me somewhere! We had a nice little trip, got some groceries to make pancakes later.

Of course, as we left the store, he took off running, started the car, and circled the parking lot slowly while I tried to chase him down.

These bars are made for breakin…

November 1, 2006

Just wanted to share my proud-Mama moment…

 Today was an exciting day for a two-year old. Nick got his first real bed– “Big boy BED!!” and is out of the crib. I thought he’d keep getting out of the bed while he was supposed to be sleeping, but he is conked out as I write this, with no struggles at all.

Well, no struggles on HIS part anyway; that thing was a pain and a half to put together and several times I wanted to call the company, reach through the phone and tell them, “But screw(B)  does not fit in hole(A) on the short leg (J) of the long connectors (C2)!!!” 

But after a brief cool-down and a smoke break, I wedged those suckers in there pretty good, even if they do stick out.  And guys, don’t shake your head at me as you read that–I’ve put together many a piece-of-crap-in-a-box furniture items and this was one of the toughest! And at least I read the instructions. In English, Spanish, AND Japanese, so there.