Archive for the ‘Bizarre’ Category

February 12, 2011

“Don’t be so open-minded. Your brains may fall out, and the hamster will escape!”

I love when people tell me they’re open-minded, and prove themselves wrong without realizing it. Maybe they want to debate politics or religion, but as soon as I present another opinion than their own (which I love to do), they take the defensive and it can get ugly. 

Why do this? 

You just can’t expect to enlighten me by ramming your philosophy down my throat with a sharp stick!

…I prefer to be enlightened with silly pictures and snarky platitudes, anyway.


Imagination is for people who don’t dream…

April 27, 2009
I’m tired.

Esshausted, actually.

This can all be blamed on:

-my over-active imagination
-too much Medium/CSI/Cold Case-type shows
-a big, rambling, mostly empty house
-my uncanny ability to remember freaky details of my dreams

This means when I have a freaky dream, I wake myself up out of it, think “Damn that was freaky!”, then go back to sleep and ‘remember’ the dream all over again.

A couple of nights ago I watched some show that detailed the Black Dahlia murder from decades ago. Curious because I’d heard it mentioned before but never knew the details, I kept watching. Bad idea (shudddder)!

So of course I had nightmares about that. Yay, that was fun! Surprisingly, it didn’t hurt, and afterwards I had a nice chat with someone about how it was done.I have 2 older brothers, and when I was younger they always wanted to watch the scariest shows on TV. I didn’t want to, but I knew that if I acted scared I’d never hear the end of it, so I watched anyway. I can still remember MANY entire scenes from some of those movies in detail (shudder). Dark hallways still creep me out! I’m such a chicken sometimes.

But I did learn some good life lessons…I know that if I ever see green smoke coming out of a door that is slowly creaking open, well then I probably shouldn’t go check it out.

If little tiny crazed men are chewing through the door, and the phone is melting…maybe don’t stay in the house and hide in a closet?

And if I ever realize that all my friends are hanging from trees in pieces, then NOW is a good time to run.

And not upstairs, either.

Transcript of the Muffin Debacle

August 14, 2008

So a few times a week, I treat myself and stop off at the coffee kiosk on my way to work. Good coffee, and no line like at Starbucks. 

The other day I stopped for my morning coffee, and what follows is entirely true. Names have been changed to protect the idiots. Except me.  The dialogue is between “Me” (really, Me) and “SCG” (Smiley Coffee Girl).


Me:  I’ll have a large mocha and….Hmm…what kind of muffins do you have?

SCG: We have blueberry and cappuccino!

Me:  Okay, I’ll have blueberry.

SCG:  Oh (long pause).  Sorry! We’re out of blueberry (she tries to look a little crestfallen).

Me:  Hmm. Well…. never mind then.

SCG: But wait!! The cappuccino one is really good! I’ve heard that a LOT of people like it!! Really!

Me:  Sigh…Well, okay (realizing this is my only shot at breakfast, and that it takes them 15 minutes to toast a bagel).

SCG: Great! You’ll love it.  I think it even has like, coffee in it, so it gives you a little extra, y’ know??

Me: (I grinned at her. What do you say?)

(skip forward a few minutes and my order is ready)

SCG: Here you go! I hope you enjoy that muffin! We should get more blueberry tomorrow! OK? Bye-ee!

As I drive off, I try not to laugh at her. She was very sweet and helpful, and I’m only being mean if I continue to mock her in my head.  Must….resist….

Anyway, a few minutes later I come to a stop in traffic. I reach in my bag, deciding to give this cappuccino thing a try, strange as it sounds. 

She did say she heard a lot of people liked it!  Who knows, it could be my new favorite.Like that time I tried sushi! Oh, wait, that ended badly.

Ah screw it. Here goes.

Unwrapping the package, I glance down at the muffin I’m holding.


It’s blueberry.



A House Painter’s Tale

April 8, 2007

Last year, my boss offered me the chance to make some extra money. Knowing that I love to paint, he asked if I would paint something for him.

A house.

He’d bought it as a rental, and wanted to sell it, so it needed a little sprucing.

Ooh, a way to let off some creative energy? No, but money would be nice.

So, I took him up on it.  I would get paid by the hour to paint every wall in the place, all white and pristine.

…Did you know that when someone has painted their walls dark navy blue, it takes about 4 coats to cover it?

…Did you know that when paint gets on the carpet, it’s pretty darn hard to get off?

…Did you know that you have to spackle every little hole made by every little nail before you can paint?

…Did you know that painting an entire house is a huge pain in the ass?

Well I found out all of that, and more!  I got painter’s elbow, a sore back, paint on all of my clothes, the smell of primer that wouldn’t go away, etc etc and on and on.

Also, every time I went back to the house to paint more, I saw spots where I’d have to paint another coat or two.

It took me about a month, but I finished that whole house by myself in my spare time.  I was pretty darn proud of myself, and reallyreally glad to be finished.

My boss was happy, I had some extra money, and now his house was ready to sell.

I ran into him a few months ago, and asked him about it.  “So, did you sell that house okay, like you wanted to?”

“Oh!” he said, turning red. “Well, not exactly.”

“Why? What happened?” I asked.

“Well, actually we decided just to tear it down because the property was worth more that way.”

My Goodwill stretced thin…

February 24, 2007

A couple of weekends ago I moved my junk out of storage in Fairhope. Who knew I had so much stuff I would barely miss for six months?! I took a lot of it to the Goodwill, because maybe somebody might need a crooked lamp, or a used baby seat, or some rickety shelves.

The sad thing is a lot of that stuff I actually BOUGHT at said Goodwill!

Anyway, one of the things I dropped off was my old computer. It was, in computer years, about 256 years old, and had PC Alzheimer’s (which means it forgot it was supposed to keep working!).

Well, as I was unloading the box with the computer, I hear behind me, “PSSTT! Hey!”

I turned around, and one of the Goodwill women was calling me over. Curious, I went over to the dock where she was glancing around furtively.

“That computer work?” she whispered.

I shrugged, “Sometimes.”

She nodded. “Well, we don’t actually sell the computers here anymore. They ship ’em to the Home Office up north.”

I looked at her blankly. “So?”

I’m thinking I don’t care WHAT they do with it, I just don’t want one more thing to cart around anymore.

“So…Do you know where the elementary school is?”

I nodded, wondering if she was crazy.

“Okay, well behind it is a little store, and you turn left at the trailer park, and the fifth trailer on the right is mine. My husband should be home.”


“That’s great, but uhh, why are you telling me this?” I asked her.

“So you can take the computer there for me!” she hissed, still glancing around.

Oh, of course! How silly of me. “Uh, no, that’s okay,” I said, trying not to laugh. “I’m actually really busy today, and I don’t….well, I just can’t.”

“Well, can you bring it tomorrow, then?” she persisted. “Anytime is fine, really!”

She’s interrupted by the loading guy. “Bernice! Get your butt over here and help me!”

She turned and gave me a furtive thumbs-up as she walked away.

Two minutes later the computer was unceremoniously dumped next to a smelly couch.