Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

The Perfect Banana…

June 13, 2013

Read this online today…reminds me of some little boy I know!


How to Choose the Perfect Banana:
A Practical Guide for Kids

First, it’s important to be totally ageist when it comes to bananas. Are there age spots?


Yes? Sick. REJECT IT.

Next, bananas must have a completely uniform yellow. This banana?


Too green AND there’s a spot. REJECT IT. Also, start crying.

Finally, when you find the perfect specimen,


peel it.ID-10038090

Now it’s open and you can see the stringy bits. In other words, it’s RUINED. REJECT IT. Your parents will try to convince you it’s fine. They’re wrong; it’s not. It’s up to you to prove it; tear it, bite it, lick it, suck on it, squish it, step on it, shove it under the couch. No matter what, do NOT actually eat it.

So. How to Choose a Perfect Banana?

THIS IS A TRICK. There is no perfect banana.

Your parents just want to ruin your life.

The End





Mom! Mom! Mom!

May 29, 2013

So although I know that every single word out of my child’s mouth is a precious jewel to be treasured, sometimes I admit I don’t always listen. Honestly, it’s very hard to do, when he talks nonstop. Comments, questions, jokes, noises, etc are almost always flowing from his cute lil’ face. I’m sure there’s some lesson I should be teaching him on restraint…not saying absolutely everything that he thinks of…but a lot of it is pretty damn funny.

He is slowly learning not to comment or question peoples’ appearance, especially if it might hurt their feelings. He will remember his thoughts about it later, and then tell me at a strange time, like walking out to check the mail, or getting ready for bed. Often he saves his most random questions for bedtime. He’s always hated having to go to bed, and will do anything to prolong or avoid it.

He’ll come slinking to the door of his room, looking all troubled.


“Since you’re out of bed, this MUST be important.”

“It IS, I promise!”

“Okay, what is it?”

“Umm…umm..remember that one time we went to the park and I saw that weird bug? I wonder what it was. We should look it up tomorrow.”

Are you kidding me?!


Seriously, the whole park/ bug thing was months ago…He just does not want to go to sleep.  The other night he came out to tell me that he had tripped on a log in the woods a few days earlier, and almost fell, but didn’t.


I Need a Pic-a-nic Basket…

May 5, 2011

Alternative Activities

May 3, 2011

Number one sign your child is playing too many online games at Mickey Mouse Clubhouse:

While fighting outside with his invisible pirate friends, he yells out to them:

“C’mon guys!  Use your mouse and arrow keys to help out!”



Broken radios and belts and sticks, oh my!

September 23, 2007

So my little boy’s 3rd birthday is in a few weeks…I’ve been stressing about what to get him, until I remember that his favorite toy of late has been a pile of a broken portable radio with a tangled earbud, a clip-on Christmas bear, and a red cotton belt.

He straps the whole bundle around his shoulders and carries it everywhere, every once in awhile stopping to demand I untangle the earbud cord.  Yeah, he’s not picky. I love that about him. In a couple of years he’ll probably be wanting his own computer so he can play Socom online or something, but for now…a broken radio will do.

Looks like we’ll be having a party with some of his friends from his class. I’m on a budget, so we’re keeping it low-maintenance. I know that it’ll be easy, that they’d have fun chasing bubbles around the yard and such, but deep down I’m slightly petrified they’ll all start whining how bored they are. Preschoolers can be maddening little tyrants when exposed to new settings and large amounts of sugar.

I also imagine the other moms will all whisper behind their hands, “I can’t  believe she didn’t hire professional entertainment or at least 2 bounce castles or caterers or a petting zoo! She used homemade decorations and hasn’t planned every single minute?! What was she thinking?”

But not to worry, I am springing for the store bought cake with plastic superheroes plunked on top.

Wish me luck, and send me some good easy party ideas =)

Calling all Career Counselors!

March 31, 2007

So today I decided I need a new career.

Right now, I have a job, but not really a career.  I’m not really cut out to be an accountant because
A) I’m terrible at math, and
3) My organizational skills aren’t the best, and
Last) I don’t want to.

One of my favorite movies is “Working Girl”.  I admire the drive, ambition, and guts it takes to make it as a top “man” in the corporate world. It’s just not for me.

So these are the careers I was considering today, along with their pros and cons.

1.  Exotic Dancer. This is a natural choice for me because I am a woman (although I’ve heard this isn’t a requirement), and I have boobs.  However, my wobbly bits might not make for the best show, whilst shakin around to “Pour Some Sugar on Me”.  And….well…ugh. That guy in the second row is creeping me out.

2.  Dentist. Yeah, this one has no ‘pros’. Just ‘aagghs!’ No, thank you.  Plus, the whole drill thing….(shudder!)

3.  Carpenter/ Handyman.  I love building things and working on projects.  I can even swing a hammer decently.  Just don’t ask me to hang a swing from really high tree. I did that today…and to be honest, it ended up looking like a short, crosseyed  clown hung it up there.  It works fine;  jus’ don’t look too purty.

4.  Doctor.  I think I could’ve done this had I started planning for it in high school…but now I have a few complications, i.e. small child, and lack of funds and time to commit to school.  Of course, most doctors that I’ve been to see spend so few actual minutes with their patients, that I’m sure I could wing it for awhile using big words and talking really fast.

5.  Shoe Shiner.  Do people actually get their shoes shined anymore? It seems like today’s consumerist mentality is more apt to just toss ’em and buy new shinier shoes. And for that matter, would Shoe Shiners use the words ‘consumerist mentality’? And is ‘consumerist’ an actual word? If not, I declare it so, because I like it.  You know what I mean anyway.

6.  New-Word-Maker-Upper.  This is something I actually have a quite a talent for.  I tend to have what my family calls ‘brain farts’ where I forget what word I’m trying to say, so I just make one up.  For example, a few minutes ago, I used the word ‘consumerist’ in a blog I was writing.  This talent is also helpful while playing Scrabble, because I can also be convincing about the meaning of my new words.

7.  Movie Reviewer.  I’ve seen a lot of movies. I have opinions about them.  I can write complete sentences.  How perfect is that??

8. “Professional” Blogger.  Writing whatever I want, whenever I want. Lots of kudos for the wittier stuff.  ….Ah, crap, I forgot–there’s no paycheck.  Forget it.

9.  Farmer.  Now, this would be nice. Animals, nature, getting up at dawn to milk the cows, plucking chickens and shoveling after the horses….hmm. Let’s change that to….

10.  Wealthy-Person-Who-Lives-on-a-Beautiful-and-Rugged-Ranch-Run-by-Other-People.  Now we’re talking.  Of course, the Wealthy part could be a problem.  That would mean I’d either have to win the Lottery or find a lucrative Career.  Maybe I should make a list of possible careers…

Edited note.  Damn. It’s a real word. Guess I’ll have to reconsider #6. ” …Consumerist is a term used to describe the effects of equating personal happiness with purchasing material possessions and consumption. It is often associated with criticisms of consumption starting with Karl Marx and Thorstein Veblen. Consumerism is also used to describe the social effects of demand side economic policies associated with Keynesian economics.

Dreaming of green…

March 14, 2007

Ode to Saint Patrick’s Day

Shamrocks and leprechauns
Green stuff galore
After I drink a pint of green beer
I really don’t want any more!

So in a couple days it will be St. Patrick’s Day. I’ve even  declared it a major holiday this year, just because I can.

Sidenote: I’m still hoping for a decent Easter, but you just never know. The Bunny can be rather fickle. One year it’s a solid, two-foot chocolate bunny…and the next it’s a hollow, choco-flavored hare with a side of black jellybeans.

So for all of you history buffs, here’s a quick recap of the history of St. Patrick’s day. For those who don’t care, just scroll on down to where I ramble on some more…

“The person who was to become St. Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, was born in Wales about AD 385. His given name was Maewyn, and he almost didn’t get the job of bishop of Ireland because he lacked the required scholarship. His mission was to convert the native pagans to Christianity.  (blah, blah, blah, lots of details here….)Thirty years later, he adopted that Christian name Patrick, and was then appointed as second bishop to Ireland.

His mission in Ireland lasted for thirty years. After that time, Patrick retired to County Down. He died on March 17 in AD 461. That day has been commemorated as St. Patrick’s Day ever since.

Much Irish folklore surrounds St. Patrick’s Day. Not much of it is actually substantiated.

The St. Patrick’s Day custom came to America in 1737. That was the first year St. Patrick’s Day was publicly celebrated in this country, in Boston.

Today, people celebrate the day with parades, wearing of the green, and drinking beer. One reason St. Patrick’s Day might have become so popular is that it takes place just a few days before the first day of spring. One might say it has become the first green of spring. “

Wow. I feel more learn-ed every day!

It’s amazing the things you can find out when you know how to type. And have a computer. And the internet.

Anyway, McGuire’s had their St. Patrick’s 5K run last weekend through Pensacola.  I didn’t get to attend, but the pictures make me really want to have gone…almost 8,000 people decked out in green clothes and funny hats and running all over town.

I don’t know who won. But I bet the winners do. So good job you guys!

After the race is when the real fun begins:  the race to the beer taps!

I even heard that some people would pay the registration fee but not run the race; they just wanted to get into the afterparty.  Now that’s dedication to some nasty green beer!

Speaking of dedication, here are a few dedicated Army fellows who ran the race…

And while we’re on the subject of green, here’s another greenie:

Kermit is cool.

And it’s not easy being green.

That’s all I have to say about that.

And for my final ode to green things…a little something from my local news on the radio yesterday:

“Pensacola teenagers found about 28 pounds of marijuana on the side of road along Blue Angel Parkway this weekend.
They were picking up trash and discovered 20 pounds of it in plastic bags in one location and found 8 more pounds several miles down the road. Authorities say the street value of the marijuana is between twenty five and fifty thousand dollars.  They don’t know who the owner of the drugs is, but authorities say the whoever it belongs to is welcome to call the Sheriff’s Office and claim it.”

Yes, I’m sure they’ll be calling real soon.

Quirky cat, thy name is Max.

November 11, 2006

I was cleaning out under my bed the other day, and among the shoes, baby socks, dustbunnies and pennies, I found four straws. Four! No cups, no lids, just straws.

The conclusion I reached is this:

My cat is a freak.

He LOVES straws and will steal and play with them for hours.

He carries them around like a dog with a tasty bone, tears around and jumps up the walls with them like a mad thing, then falls asleep curled around them!

I’ve actually caught him up on the counter, one paw on my to-go cup lid, his teeth sunk into the straw trying to pull it out of the lid.

Of course, now I have a bargaining tool with a cat, which is hard to find (other than food). When he escapes and bolts out the door I can just wave a straw at him, and he screeches to a halt, a beast entranced.  So now I’ll just have to live with my new collection of straws, I suppose.  Blackmail of sorts, soothe the savage beast or something.

My friend’s cat Ace has a thing for shoes..the dirtier and smellier, the better. He’ll stick his whole head into the shoe “make love to it” and roll around the floor.  It’s twice as hilarious and almost as disturbing as a chihuahua with a stuffed animal (but without the humping, thank god). He also likes to be spanked, but that’s another story for another day.

So what’s with that? When did those little toy mice and jingly balls lose their appeal?

And why should I spend $5.79 on a ‘cat fishing pole’ when crap on the floor is so much more exciting?

Ponderous questions, indeed.

Is this only cats? It’s been so long since I’ve had dogs, I’m not sure.

I suppose I’ll just have to file these and other burning questions in the ‘x-files’ to be answered later…