Archive for December, 2006

Stop the Presses!

December 21, 2006

This is Nicholas’ pride and joy; a picture with Santa.

But you won’t believe what we went through to get it!

Here’s what happened: We heard about some big event going on at the North Pole, with all the famous characters- Santa, the Reindeer, the Mrs., and there were even rumors of Rudolph showing up (you know how he loves the spotlight).

Well we got there and couldn’t get in! Nicholas was on the Nice list (even after the questionable ‘Cat in the Toilet’ escapade), but apparently you have to bring a canned good as an entrance fee and I wasn’t prepared. All I had in my bag was a half eaten apple, some stale Cheerios, and two pairs of shorts Nick outgrew last year!

Anyway, we were determined. While I distracted the
guards (by bribing them for names on the Naughty list), Nicholas snuck onto the red and white carpet to meet his idol, Santa Claus.

It was a crazy scene! The Reindeer had all brought dates, and they were playing reindeer games, right there in the crowd. Of course, Rudolph stood back from it all, telling anyone who would listen about how he went down in history.

Meanwhile, Nick got up to Santa finally and whispered in his ear, “I know where you live, so you’d better take a picture with me!” Well of course Santa laughed, and agreed to a photo op with the little boy. The paparazzi ate it up! You might even see him on the six o’clock news, so keep an eye out for it.

 Nicholas has never been so happy, and thanks to the guards I now know who to blackmail at work!




And they all grew up happily ever after…almost

December 8, 2006

So my brother is in town this week, and it’s so great to see him.

Anyway, tonight we decided to wear out Nicholas and so took him to the McDonald’s playground for big fun and fries. Ryan’s just a big kid himself so he and Nick took off up and down the pipes while I sat. It was wonderful; they were both having a blast and I got a short break, some peace…Well, until they challenged me to climb UP the big, slippery tunnel slide. That was tough! I never did make it to the top. But it sure was fun to try.

I love hanging out with Ryan. We get along great and he’s always fun.  When we were little, it was a different story; I pissed him off, he hit me, I ran. Pretty much status quo, every day. We’d vary it by me sometimes hitting back or him locking me out of the house. We swore to hate each other forever!

I remember the day it changed though. I was about 17, and he was on his way out the door and said, “Wanna go to the store with me?”

I was floored, I was shocked, and happy; couldn’t believe he was actually offering to take me somewhere! We had a nice little trip, got some groceries to make pancakes later.

Of course, as we left the store, he took off running, started the car, and circled the parking lot slowly while I tried to chase him down.

Furry minions – Be GONE!

December 6, 2006


They’re cute, furry, chittering little things that scamper around the trees being all…fluffy.

However, squirrels are not so cute when they live in your ceilings.

We have three of those little bastards that have been camped out upstairs for a month or so, and they are noisy. I’m guessing they wait until they think we’re asleep, and then they have some kind of kinky squirrel Olympics going on. Sounds like a tiny herd of really fat elephants are up there, running back and forth (scratch, scrabble, scratch) back and forth (skritch skritch SKREETCH), and on and on.

My mom bought some bait that will, as you say, kill those suckers dead…but never put it out. I guilted her out of it, and anyway PETA’s been picketing the house, so she decided not to.  Or maybe it’s just because it’s really fucking hard to get into the attic. Like tiny contortionist hard. Either way, the squirrels have been living it up, and getting fatter every day on the seeds we throw out for the birds.

And so, when my brother showed up yesterday, he decides he’s going to fix the piece of trim on the roof where they get in (aka escape hatch).  He’s very tall and has no fear of careening off the roof and snapping his neck, so he can do that. Not sure if that’s confidence or pure idiocy. Whatever. As for me, I hold the ladder!

Anyway, he stapled some mesh over the hole and got down. I went inside and started doing some other things. A short while later,  I hear Nick yelling and my brother hooting “The squirrels! There they go!! They’re freaking out!!”  I also hear the mad skritch-scratching pounding of said rodents running around the roof, indeed freaking out. I’ll point out that we did NOT pin them up in the attic to waste away (like my mom wanted, you heartless thing). Instead we locked them out of their cozy nest in the middle of winter.

Apparently they weren’t too happy about it.  They spent the next half hour streaking up and down the roof and screeching at us, completely pissed off. My ears were burning from their implied foul language, lol. I felt a little guilty about it being cold outside and all, but seriously, if you could see these squirrels…they’re as fat as a small cat. They look like little furry cantaloupes. I keep waiting for one of them to topple off the power lines and tree limbs like little sumo dudes, but they’re still freakishly agile even while carrying five pounds of pilfered seed in their cheeks.

 UPDATE:    Funniest squirrel tale I’ve ever read