Archive for July, 2007

My love for Jose…

July 23, 2007

“…You see every drink of liquor you take kills a thousand brain cells. Now that doesn’t much matter ‘cos we got billions more.

And first the sadness cells die so you smile real big.

And then the quiet cells go so you just say everything real loud for no reason at all.

That, that’s ok because the stupid cells go next, so everything you say is real smart.

And finally, come the memory cells. These are tough sons of bitches to kill.”

Legend of Bagger Vance

What is your drink of choice? Beer, wine, whiskey, or maybe a little NA O’Doul’s?

Me, I’m a tequila girl.

Occasionally when I go out, I drink a straight shot of it, sans ‘training wheels’; no salt, limes, or any of that. “Jus’ gimme the (*hic-cup!) licker, bartennner!”

See, I didn’t start off hitting the hard stuff.  I’m just a picky drinker; can’t stand dirty or sweet martinis (unless they’re chocolate), vodka gives me a headache, wine makes me sleepy, and rum…well let’s just say Cap’t Morgan and I had a falling out one night and we’ve never gotten back together! Dirty pirate.

It all started with my friend Erin. Mild mannered, quiet, silly, whiskey-chuggin Erin. Woo Hoo! We worked on a ranch in New Mexico a few summers on a college program. Once a week they’d have a talent/ open-mic night. 

So use your imagination to picture all the folk singers (who were actually quite good) the other folk singers (who made me want to hang myself with their guitar strings), and the folk singer/songwriters (who sold their CD’s in the lobby). Some nights a few of the college kids got up and read something, sang a song, etc. I even read a few sappy poems myself.

ANYhoo, Erin and I weren’t too fond of all the singing/poetry week after week and decided to hide outside during the worst performances and turn it into a drinking game. I can’t really remember the rules, but it was something very structured like, ‘drink more if they suck’ or some such.

We alternated between Yukon Jack, a sweet Canadian whiskey, and straight Jose Cuervo Gold. I’d describe the merits and flavors of each, but it doesn’t really matter after the second shot anyway.

I hear tequila makes some people angry. This happens to me sometimes, but only when I’m walking with drink and somebody bumps into me and spills it.

Seriously, though, it does make me want to dance. A lot.

Alright, enough about tequila. Time to go drink my warm milk and tuck the quilt around my ankles so I can do the crossword.

P.S. To Jose Cuervo – if you’re out there anywhere nearby, come visit me soon. I desperately need to shake my bootie shamelessly!

And for anyone who is frowning at my obvious love for (lately very rare occasions of) drinking, just remember – I’ll be smoking, too! HA HA!


Cleaning house is dirty business!

July 6, 2007

I’m on a roll.

No, not that kind of roll.

But yum.

Anyway, I’m feeling very productive lately, takin’ names and kickin’ butt.  Woo!

I get home from work and feel like I have to do something. Not sure about where to start, I ask Mr. Clean what he thinks.

“Well, now, it looks like your kitchen floor could use a little extra shine, and maybe you could sweep the porch and patch that hole in the wall, and scrub the windows, and get a ladder and then you could–”  he pauses as I cut him off.

“Are you freakin’ crazy?!” I yelp. “I was thinking maybe a load of laundry and a quick wipe of the counter. I could brush those crumbs under the fridge and it’ll look great….Thanks for the  tips, though.” I squeeze him back in his shiny bottle and shove him under the counter.


I go to gather up some clothes out of the bathroom. After I make two piles, I notice my nail polish under the edge of the cabinet.  I’ve been looking for it for weeks, so I sit down on the edge of the tub to do a touch-up.


I feel so good about that I decide to give myself a little facial. Quick mud-mask is always fun.  As I wait for it to dry, I flip through an old People magazine.

Ooh, I love crosswords! The People ones are always so easy.

Hmm, a tough one…what was the name of Gary Shandling’s TV show?

Oh, yeah, the “Its the Gary Shandling Show”!  He was such a creative guy, I wonder what happened.

After tripping over my laundry piles twice, I remember what I was supposed to be doing.



I carry the clothes to the laundry room and drop them on the floor.

Opening the cabinet to get the detergent, I —- Ooh! Picture hooks! I’ve been wanting to put that painting up in my room.  Off I go in search of a hammer.

You’d think it might be in the toolbox, right?

Silly rabbit.

After a half an hour of fruitless searching (which turns up a missing earring, a book I’d been meaning to finish, and some stale goldfish crackers), I have no hammer.

Also, in the course of my search, I have now lost the picture hooks.

I sit down and realize, whew, I’m worn out from all this productivity.

With all that I’ve gotten done, I deserve a nap.